Feeling like crap

I have been known to enact life decisions on February 1.  This year is no different.  Tomorrow I begin my training for a half marathon in Madison at the end of May.  I definitely do not need 4 months to train for a half marathon, but I've decided to start on February 1.  I have figured out over the past few years that I am very goal-oriented (i.e., Ph.D. & marathon).  If I don't see the goal on my calendar, I just don't get my tail moving.  That is what has happened in the few months since the marathon.  Though I work out with my personal trainer once a week, I haven't been keeping up on my running or on those workouts (ideally, he likes me to do one or two of 'our' workouts during the week, and I haven't even done that.)  In addition to my trainer, I have been invited to run on Sunday mornings with a wonderful group of people, and I find it almost impossible to get my a&* there.  I've gone twice since the marathon, and I just cannot get myself going.  Tomorrow, though, this changes.  February 1 always seems to work for me.

I am trying, however, to take it a bit easy on myself.  I can't remember how many readers of this blog I have out there, but those that I definitely know read know that Shannon and I have been dealing with a lot since July (and that's not even mentioning the crap before July):

For the past year, we have been working with an adoption agency to proceed with a domestic adoption.  We got a call in July that a birthmother down south was interested in us as adoptive parents.  We decided to move forward with her and from July 11 until September 8 or so, we were preparing to bring home a baby girl.  About 2 days before we were to drive down south to get the baby, we got a call and learned that the birthmother had changed her mind.  So, we returned the baby clothes and the baby gear (borrowed from friends not purchased, thankfully) and tried to find some sense in it all.  I threw myself wholeheartedly in to the final weeks of marathon training and was so thrilled that I had something so amazing to focus on.  

Once the marathon was done, though, I slipped in to a bit of funk.  I found it really hard to get out of bed (thankfully, I had taken a leave of absence from my job, thinking that I would want to spend the fall semester at home with the baby).  I began to try to figure out how to move forward with a life I had not planned for: Starting in July, I had imagined crossing the finish line to see Shannon holding our baby.  I had imagined regaling the baby with stories of how hard Mommy had worked, to tell her 'if you want something bad enough, you'll get it.'  I had imagined so many things for the fall of 2008 that when none of it happened, I didn't quite know how to proceed.  So, I went back to what I know: eating.  Thus, I have gained 10 pounds of the 25 or so I had lost in 2006-2007, and I feel like crap.  I mean, just a few short months ago I was running 26.2 miles.  Today, I can barely get my toosh out of bed.  I know that I can still go out and run 3-4 miles in a clip, which is WAY more than I could do at this time last year (and I was about 10 pounds lighter), yet I seem to focus on what I haven't done with myself.  I need to cut myself some slack, but that's never been one of my strengths.  So, here I sit, wallowing--for about 4 more hours until I head to bed and psyche myself up for the next chapter: a half marathon in May, a marathon in October and hopefully a baby at some point in the next year or so.